Milfs and Grannies Phone Sex

Alright alright I chickened out. No pussy piercing for me.  Not just yet anyway!  I just can’t get over the idea of putting a needle thru my precious CLIT on purpose.  I mean I’ve had alot of stuff happen to my snatch in my 60 years.  I’ve had three huge babies (all 10lbs 2oz, 11lbs 8oz, and 12lbs 3oz)…   I’ve had two episiotomies, because my boys’ heads were so huge!  I’ve been fisted and double fisted. I’ve taken a man’s arm in my cunt almost to his elbow.  And I’ve had clamps and weights attached to my labia to make them streeeeeeeeeeetch.  So yeah, the Grand Canyon’s seen alot of abuse.

But the idea of a NEEDLE in my CLITTY!  Aaaaaaagh! I can’t do it.  I may be the adventurous type but I’m pretty sure I can go to my grave not regretting that I never shoved sharp objects thru the most sensitive part of my junk. 

Am I a coward?  Tell me what you think.  Is there a market for old hairy hags with rings on their clits??  Inquiry minds want to know!

OLGA 1 888 896 6205

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Just because I’m an old bat in my 60′s doesn’t mean I don’t wanna feel young.  Sure I will never get back the vigor and the elasticity I used to have (last guy who went down on me had to stop and ask directions back when he was done)… BUT… I still like making my kitty pretty.

I’ve been thinking of getting one of those clit rings or labia piercings the young gals have.  I was messing around with this young chickie, my grandson’s babysitter, the other day (young girls aren’t my usual thing, but she was looking particularly fuckable in her little shorty shorts and thong panties peaking out the back).  She has a bunch of piercings all over, her nose, her eyebrow her navel.  So of course i asked where else she had piercings.  “Well four in my labia, two per lip, and one thru my clit.”  I said THIS I GOTTA SEE.  She was more than happy to show me.. she isn’t a shy girl at all, and I guess you can’t be too shy if you’re willing to let somebody shove needles thru your privates anyway.  So she showed me her pink.  Completely shaved with all five rings just like she said.  I asked if I could touch em, and she said sure… so I start tugging on all of them asking does it hurt?  does that hurt?  She squirmed a bit in her seat saying no but she was about to get turned on in a bit.  I told her not to fight the feeling and continued to flick the clit piercing back and forth… i watched her shudder and squeak and sure enough her little pink cunt began to flow…. 

At that point it got kind of uncomfortable so I suggested she get back in her drawls and head on back.  Paid her her babysitter’s fee and told her I was getting  a clit ring next week just to show her.  She said “YEAH RIGHT now that I gotta see!”  I didnt really entirely mean it at the time.. but the more I think about it… well how much longer does an old nag like me have left anyway?  I’ll only have so many chances to be spontaneous.. honestly I think my biggest challenge will be finding a piercer who is willing to climb into my cave to do the job in the first place!   We’ll see!!

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Hi Kids!  This gnarly old hag has been around the block a few times, and she’s seen all sorts of trends, but in all her 60 plus years she has yet to see anything like the latest trend that’s sweeping the young generation:  Going Bald Head to Toe.   I don’t just mean the girls… but the boys too.  It’s like pubes went the way of the 8 track player or something.   And while I dont mind it, I don’t really understand it.

So maybe you can explain it to me fellas?  What’s with the hairless cocks and balls and assholes?  How are you managing to stay so smooth and porno ready all the time.  You kids are busier than ever with your iphones and your internet and your multitasking lives.. where do you find the time to shave your entire bodies like this?   I used to date a  professional body builder back in the 70′s….   He had a hot body like you’d expect.. and as much time as he spent in the gym building up those muscles he seemed to spend just as much or more shaving his arms legs and chest.  Sometimes I’d help him out and it was a tough job!!  Took forever.  After the novelty of the sex wore off I realized how boring he was… all he did was primp and shave and pluck and pump iron, all he had time for.  SO I ask you again, how do you kids find the time??

It’s all I can do to keep my snaggly old bush trimmed down.  Sometimes I get real lazy and its like you need a weed whacker to find my clit.  I shave my legs and pits about once a week but that’s about it.  But the last young man I spent time with… he was about 20, 21 or so..   He was smooth as a baby’s butt from head to toe. Yes even his head was shaved!  I even asked him if he had one of those  illnesses that make all your hair fall out and he just laughed and said No you crazy old grandma, that’s the style these days. 

He had a big fat cock and a tight body so I let the old grandma crack slide…. but I’m still wondering, what gives?   Do you fellas trim your trees?  Regularly? Or just for a special occasion?  Maybe the kid was just trimming his tree for the hoidays.  If you know, tell me!

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I think I really fucked up in a major way, the more and more that I think it over.  I regret what happened this weekend I really do.  Although at the time I didn’t give two shits.  That will teach me to get trashed and horny in my own house with my grown son sharing my bed.

That’s right you heard me right.  Well, let me give a little bit of background.  Mickey is my youngest and he’s always been a slow starter, always been a big mama’s boy.  It’s my fault for always spoiling him, but when he was little he had one ear infection after another and was always sick and screaming and the only thing that ever calmed him down was to keep him buried between my big old tits.  It became a bit of a ritual even long after it was “appropriate.”  Parents, kids, and even his older brother and sister would notice how whenever he got upset or hurt himself on the playground he’d come running to his Mama and bury his face in between my tits.  I tried not to be self conscious about it, because I give two shits what anybody thinks about me, but over the years I see how it reinforced a pattern of my son getting more and more isolated from his peers and spend more time with me.  I guess by that time I had become subconsciously attached to him as a companion, once my ex-husbastard walked out on us when he was 3…  his siblings were on their way to and thru their teens… and here I was with this baby starting life over.  So yeah I spoiled him.  I even kind of teased him over the years whenever I caught him grinding on mama’s lap when he would sit on me, or when he would stare so long and wide eyed at me getting changed.  I even caught him jerking off a few times when he was a teen, and one time I actually stood there and watched as he finished himself off.  We never talked about that and that was as far as things ever went.

Until the other night.  Okay… so Mickey has lived with me on and off ever since he dropped out of college…. he’s 31 years old now and he’s never lived apart from his mom for more than a year.  The last time he moved out was with some girlfriend he had taken up with and was taking care of him, but she ended up walking out on him and their apartment which he had no idea how to take care of by himself (I did say I spoiled the boy.  Apparently he’s never learned to pick up a broom or a mop, or the toilet seat for that matter)…  so back in he moves with Mama Olga.   During that time I had moved to a two bedroom apartment by myself… using the second bedroom as a porno theatre and fuck dungeon (Yes, I’m a freak) so the only other bed in the place was mine.  We had shared a bed for most of his life anyway so it was no big deal.  And whenever I would wake up to hear him grunting and groaning  as he jerked himself off right next to me, I’d just ignore it and go back to sleep.

But I had gone out and gotten trashed at a bar hanging out with some old gal pals of mine from whenwe all used to work at the Nursing Home (we’re all retired now) and I don’t get drunk often but when I do, I get out of control horny and grabby.  So I end up in my own bed passed out and my son comes home from work and gets in bed with me as usual.  I’m sort of half passed out  on my back …. kind of asleep but not.  I notice him jerking himself off like usual and instead of leaving him alone this time I actually sit up and tell him… “sweetie you’re gonna rip that fucker off if youre not careful… let Mama handle it.”   I could hear him gasp and his body go stiff as my hand gripped his big stiff member (he got my looks somehow but he inherited his daddy’s big donkey dick for sure)… and the next thing I knew I was slobbering on my son’s big fat cock in a drunken stupor.  It didn’t take long at all. I heard him call out .. “MOMMY IM CUMMING” and then he shot four of five big ropes of jizz all over his belly and my chin….   in the back of my mind I was freaked out by what I had done but I was also really drunk and thinking “fuck it he’s of age and we’re both right here…” ….  I wiped my chin of his cum with the pillowcase and promptly passed back into unconsciousness.  

When I woke up the next morning I was determined to act like nothing had happened.. that we wouldn’t talk about it like the time I had watched him jerking off when he was a teenager…   but no such luck.  Mickey, my lovely beautiful boy, was already rock hard and naked right next to me pumping his cock for all it was worth.  I didn’t know what to say.. in the light of being sober and hungover I didn’t think it was such a good idea to go down on my son for a SECOND time… so I just rolled over and watched him as he worked his meat into a frenzy…  his eyes were begging me to please touch him.. and because I love my boy, I wanted to.. I almost did it … but I couldn’t go there.  As he finally came I stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead.  Reached over and grabbed a towel that was lying on the floor next to bed, and laid it over his naked body to clean himself up with.  I left the bedroom without a word and went to fix breakfast.  He followed a good half hour later, sitting down at the kitchen table looking confused and ashamed.  I felt the same. I don’t know what to do.  He started to say something but I kept cutting him off asking him about work, asking about his ex girlfriend, asking lots of silly questions to change the subject.  He left for work and hasn’t been back, since he’s working a double shift … so I’m not looking forward to tonight.  Maybe he’ll be too tired to say anything.  Maybe I should make an excuse to be out late??  Maybe I should have a serious talk with him about what we did?  Maybe I should get a look at his big ass cock again one more time before I rule him out as a full service bedmate???   Olga you’ve really stepped in it now…  *sigh*… stupid horny old cunt!!

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I just got back from the ER and I don’t want to talk about it, okay???  Long story short, my young fuckbud decided to have Thanksgiving leftovers out of my snatch.  I agree to be his dinner bowl, he shoves a Turkey drumstick up my hole and it gets stuck.  We try pulling on it, but its greasy and then the bone slips out.. and most of it remained in there… and nothing he or I could do would dig it out.  I tried everything.  Douching on Hi with the showerhead massager, digging it out with a dildo, stabbing at it with a fork.. NOTHING worked… so much to my humiliation I had fuckbud drive me to the ER.  Imagine explaining THAT to the docs.  I waited around like 7 hours for them to get around to me.   At least fuckbud kept me company the whole time… we even tried one last hurrah in the restroom trying to dig it out.  He buried his face and hands in there.. trying to get at that fuckin turkey meat.  No use.  I did get to cum pretty hard tho…. 

So the doc x-rayed my snatch.  Removed the turkey with some surgical tongs.  And scolded me not to play with my food like I’m some kind of child.  But how can I blame them.  I bet I was the talk of the emergency room that night. 

You’d think I’d be sore after something like that but I’m doing pretty good.  Fuckbud went home.  It’s just me and my dildo now.  I guess I’ll never learn!

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Is it true you can get hemorrhoids from too much anal???  All I know is that my ass is killing me, and I’ve got a blister the size of a friggin’ golf ball hanging out of my ass!  And It hurts to sit down or lay on my back.  It’s been getting bigger and bigger the last three days, making it hard to.. umm.. well you know.. hard to make room for daddy, as the sayin goes.  So my current fuckbuddy is pretty miserable that he hasnt been able to cornhole me like he usually does.  I dunno tho… I’ve never had rhoids like this that’s for sure… and I’ve never had this much anal sex either… so maybe there’s a correlation.  I’d be more insulted that he isn;’t happy with Vag action.. but I’ll be the first to admit that my snatch ain’t the tightest drumskin on the snare, if you know what I mean.  It’s pretty bad when you have to ask your own vibrator if it’s in yet.  Even worse when the vibrator asks YOU!  D’oh!  Anyway.. hopefully some of that preparation H will clear things up.  But I’m horny and Fuckbuddy is strictly a backdoor man.  Oh well… guess this 60 year old Pincushion needs a night off anyway.  So I’ll take the hint and just wait by the phone for a fun call instead.  *sigh*……

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I have hit a new low!!  I know you are sick of me saying that by now, but this time it’s true!!  Well, let me just spill it.  I went out to a nice Mexican Restaurant Friday night… it was good food.  It was great food.  The refried beans the chili relleno, the Chicken Fajitas which I always so wrong and get laughed out (It DOESN’T rhyme with Vagina??)   the big basket of nachos and Salsa that was hotter than the freaking SUN.. but Oh sooo good.  Well I made a pig of myself.  And by the middle of the night I was paying the price.  I fucking swear, you would have thought I lived in a lighthouse, from all the Foghorn noises you could hear emanating from my bedroom.   I mean I’ve had gas before.. but this was beyond gas.  This was Olga, one woman Greenhouse Effect.  I was up and down all night to the toilet.  And pretty soon there was nothing left to empty out of me.  So why is it that in the morning I wake up to rip another one… I misjudge my own ass’s intent.. and instead of cutting the cheese I part the chocolate sea right there in my own bed!!!  I shit my own sheets. My nightgown the floor by the bed… everything.. a big chocolate runny puddle of Olga’s Friday Night Fiesta…   Thank god my son had left for work already (we share a bed for the time being.  Long story).  He complained all night about Mama’s tooting and pooting… he woulda been scarred for life if he’d seen me use the mattress like a giant diaper.   WELP.  I think it’s time to do some laundry finally, don’t you?  Yes I know.  I’m gross.  Suffer!

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Man I love Halloween.  I’m 60 somethin years old now dammit but I still giggle and squeal like a little kid every year.  This is proving to be a pretty lonely halloween this year tho.  The grandkids are all at some school party, since trick or treatin door to door is pretty much a dead custom now, unless you live in one of those  snooty stepford fuckin neighborhoods where nothin bad ever happens to nobody.  But in neighborhoods like mine, y’know “working class”… they know better than to go door to door begging for shit to eat.  Any other day of the week I’m like you want somethin to eat here you are, and I point to my snatch.  But on Halloween I become a kid again.  That’s a shame really because I love to dress up and give out candy and play pranks.  All I could do for fun this year was paint my tits like jack-o-lanterns and stand in the window with a flashlight between em, starin up at my face.  I just saw two teenage boys run screamin when they rounded the corner and saw me.  HA!!  But that was about all the action I’m likely to get from the street.  HOWEVER.  My neighbor across the hall is an insufferable battleaxe, total  screwfaced harpie.. but she has the most delicious looking grandson.  He can’t even be 20 yet… but built like Tom Brady.  He’s so fucking yummy.  I think he’s gotta granny fetish too, cuz he saw me lurching down the hallway with my laundry earlier today, my big fuckin tits resting in the basket cuz they are always in the way.  He couldn’t take his eyes off my rack.  I smiled at him and said “EYES FRONT Young Man!”  he got all bashful his ears turned red as he apologized.  Then I said ”If you ever wanna help an old woman besides your bitch of a grandma out, you can always pop on over to my place and say hi.”  He kicked the ground all bashful and said sure.  “I said… ANYTIME young man… my door is usually unlocked.  But I’m frequently  in the buff around the house if I’m alone, so it’s better to knock first or else you’ll get another eyeful.”   By then his old bat of a grandmother snatched her door open and yanked him aside.  She knows what a freak I am.  It’s not like I’m tryin to keep it a secret.  Anyway.. the door is unlocked as promised.  And I’m sittin here naked, and alone… it would be hot if he walked in on me while I was in the middle of a call hehehe…

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Sprained my fucken ankle and have been flat on my back all weekend, and not the FUN kind of on my back either!  It’s a funny story really… I was having some private time in the tub with the showerhead massager and I was getting way into it.  I fancied myself some kinda porn star getting off at my image in the bathroom mirror while I blasted my cunt with hot jets of water… so I thought why not pose? Hiked my big ol’ thigh on the side of the tub and posed with my leg there a little leaning way in to get full benefit of the massager…  of course all this is kinda slippery.. and I’m getting lost in the sensations of a mounting orgasm, my leg up in the air like I’ve got a lil’ Captain in me… and whaddya know my foot slips in the tub and I go tumbling face first into the fucken toilet!!  UGH!!!  even worse… I hadn’t even flushed it!!!  ARGH!!  so… that’s the beginning and end of my live porn career.  Now, I’ll still do it for free and on the phone.. but I’ll leave the modelling acrobatics to the professionals!!!   Believe me.. once you take a second shower to wash the piss out of your own hair cuz you just slipped and fell in the toilet like the big clumsy she-ape you are, don’t quit your dayjob!!!   (In my case.. PHONESEX.. hehehe)

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UGH!  I AM SO DISGUSTED BY MY SON!!!

Took a little weekend trip to visit my oldest son and check up on him.  Now that his bitch wife has left him alone at the trailer with a moutain of credit card debt, he’s been depressed and needing his mommy to cheer him up sometimes.  But the boy lives in SQUALOR.  Absolute filth.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  It’s just gotten worse and worse as the weeks have gone by.   But last week’s visit took the cake.   There were open food containers everywhere, old moldy tv dinners on the floor and around the couch, about 50 half empty beercans around the bed and jars of his PISS everywhere cuz he’s too lazy and depressed to get up to go to the bathroom these days.  But worst of all… he has a problem with mice and roaches now.  They are EVERYWHERE!!  You turn off the lights and you immediately hear gnawing and skittering sounds… EW EW EWW!  You turn the lights back on and its like a blip in the fucking matrix… dozens of little dark shadows disappear into the corners… you’re like did I really just see what I thought I saw??  No way…   but  out of the corner of your eye you cant help but you are being watched.

So I suit up in my cleaning the house clothes.. just some shorts and a tshirt I dont mind getting dirty… and a big bucket of pine sol and a sponge….   and start to cleaning up for my boy in his pig sty filth…  and I’m getting into it.  Down on my hands and knees on the hardwood floor scrubbing up what I’m sure was a big splotch of his JIZ all caked and dried underneath his computer table.. but man whatever… he’s a grown man and it’s a natural body function.  When all the sudden I feel my knee start to crunch on what I think are some old frito chips on the floor.  WRONG.   I move my knee to look and am disgusted to see that I had instead crushed a huge family of COCKROACHES underneath my fuckin knee!!  UGH!!   And worse than that… I had flipped over a temporary nest living beneath an overturned tupperware box of pasta…  A SWARM of baby roaches immediately start crawling up my leg and my thigh!!  LIke I’m being devoured by ants or someshit!!  It was insane… they were running up and down my body immediately.. under my clothes… up my shorts into my underwear… I started SCREAMING bloody murder and ripping my clothes off my body trying to get them off of me.  

But wait.. it gets worse.. as I’m stomping half naked and twirling and screeching  like a tasmanian devil with smashed up cockroaches on my knees… I feel something SOFT and yet crunchy underneath my left foot.. and the distinct feeling of something being flattened and destroyed under my weight.  A wet, soggy feeling all the sudden.  I look down…  AAAAAARGH I HAD JUST SMASHED A MOUSE!!!  IT WAS ALREADY DEAD IN THE MOUSETRAP AND I HAD SMASHED IT!!   GUTS AND GORE WERE EVERYWHERE!!  LIke I HAD just stomped on a mini bratwurst…  I saw little mouse bones I saw pink gooey mouse brains and BLOODY GOO mixing between my toes and smeared under my bare heel;.   I felt the squish and the slick… UGH UGH UGH……  Needless to say I was beside myself.  I don’t know what got into me but I must have looked a fright…standing in my underwear screaming my foot covered with smashed mouse goo…. smashed up roaches… roaring like a freaking banshee!!!   My son ran into the room screaming MOM whats going on????  All I could do was YELL… GODDAMMIT YOU ARE COMING TO LIVE WITH ME!!  IS THIS HOW YOU LIVE???  YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PIG!!  PACK YOUR THINGS RIGHT NOW!!!

And like a good little boy he’s back home with me now.  He just finished moving his things in today.  He has yet to get used to me taking phonesex calls… his eyes get all wide with horror everytime the phone rings…  but you know what??  That’s life!!  My boy is a good boy, I’m sure he will adjust.  And if he’s a really good boy he’ll learn how to help his Mommy out after she had to suffer thru the animal snuff film horror flick that was his trailer apartment!!  UGH UGH!  I’m still trying to come down from that one.  But I thought I should let everyone know what a sick little puppy I raised….    CAll me or something.  I need a distraction like you wouldnt believe ! 

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