Man I love Halloween.  I’m 60 somethin years old now dammit but I still giggle and squeal like a little kid every year.  This is proving to be a pretty lonely halloween this year tho.  The grandkids are all at some school party, since trick or treatin door to door is pretty much a dead custom now, unless you live in one of those  snooty stepford fuckin neighborhoods where nothin bad ever happens to nobody.  But in neighborhoods like mine, y’know “working class”… they know better than to go door to door begging for shit to eat.  Any other day of the week I’m like you want somethin to eat here you are, and I point to my snatch.  But on Halloween I become a kid again.  That’s a shame really because I love to dress up and give out candy and play pranks.  All I could do for fun this year was paint my tits like jack-o-lanterns and stand in the window with a flashlight between em, starin up at my face.  I just saw two teenage boys run screamin when they rounded the corner and saw me.  HA!!  But that was about all the action I’m likely to get from the street.  HOWEVER.  My neighbor across the hall is an insufferable battleaxe, total  screwfaced harpie.. but she has the most delicious looking grandson.  He can’t even be 20 yet… but built like Tom Brady.  He’s so fucking yummy.  I think he’s gotta granny fetish too, cuz he saw me lurching down the hallway with my laundry earlier today, my big fuckin tits resting in the basket cuz they are always in the way.  He couldn’t take his eyes off my rack.  I smiled at him and said “EYES FRONT Young Man!”  he got all bashful his ears turned red as he apologized.  Then I said ”If you ever wanna help an old woman besides your bitch of a grandma out, you can always pop on over to my place and say hi.”  He kicked the ground all bashful and said sure.  “I said… ANYTIME young man… my door is usually unlocked.  But I’m frequently  in the buff around the house if I’m alone, so it’s better to knock first or else you’ll get another eyeful.”   By then his old bat of a grandmother snatched her door open and yanked him aside.  She knows what a freak I am.  It’s not like I’m tryin to keep it a secret.  Anyway.. the door is unlocked as promised.  And I’m sittin here naked, and alone… it would be hot if he walked in on me while I was in the middle of a call hehehe…

OLGA 1 888 896 6205

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/olga.html

Sprained my fucken ankle and have been flat on my back all weekend, and not the FUN kind of on my back either!  It’s a funny story really… I was having some private time in the tub with the showerhead massager and I was getting way into it.  I fancied myself some kinda porn star getting off at my image in the bathroom mirror while I blasted my cunt with hot jets of water… so I thought why not pose? Hiked my big ol’ thigh on the side of the tub and posed with my leg there a little leaning way in to get full benefit of the massager…  of course all this is kinda slippery.. and I’m getting lost in the sensations of a mounting orgasm, my leg up in the air like I’ve got a lil’ Captain in me… and whaddya know my foot slips in the tub and I go tumbling face first into the fucken toilet!!  UGH!!!  even worse… I hadn’t even flushed it!!!  ARGH!!  so… that’s the beginning and end of my live porn career.  Now, I’ll still do it for free and on the phone.. but I’ll leave the modelling acrobatics to the professionals!!!   Believe me.. once you take a second shower to wash the piss out of your own hair cuz you just slipped and fell in the toilet like the big clumsy she-ape you are, don’t quit your dayjob!!!   (In my case.. PHONESEX.. hehehe)

OLGA 1 888 896 6205

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/olga.html

I think I’m the unluckiest driver there is – I am getting more speeding tickets than anyone I know.

Anyway, I ended up agreeing to do a floor show for a certain local politician’s birthday recently for free … just to clear my tickets.

I made sure he got the full monty, so to speak … I took it all off, and got a bit of loose change thrown at my feet (politicians don’t tip well … ever noticed that?).   I suppose I got paid well if you count the amount I owed in tickets, but it sure doesn’t seem like it when I don’t see the money flowing my way. 

Mr. Politician had his happy birthday … I made sure he had a big smile on his face before I left … but all I got out of it (other than the loose change) were a few more connections down at city hall.  We’ll see where that gets me.  Pretty poor economy when even the politicians are using the barter system if you ask me.

1~888~379~5442, ask for Foxy Roxy

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/roxy.html

I was feeling … frisky … a few days ago, so I headed over to the community college library wearing one of my shortest skirts and a tight top.  I finished off my ensemble with a pair of stiletto heels.  I did have on a tiny pair of panties, but no bra.

Once at the library it was time to set my plan in motion.  The idea was to give several of these nerdy boys a thrill as I reached up to the top shelf for books … but not to hook them so bad that they wanted to attach to me … after all, if one attached, it would scare away the other boys.

After capturing the interest of a few of them, I selected a table to sit at that would allow them to watch as I crossed & uncrossed my legs.  After some time at this game, I headed back to the shelves for one final book.  Finding an area that I was alone for a few seconds, I slipped out of my damp panties, then returned to my seat, placing my panties on the table next to the books.

After crossing and re-crossing my legs a few more times, I collected my book selection and dropped them off at the book returns, but leaving my panties behind on the table.

If you’re interested in hearing more … or interested in a slightly-worn pair of panties, just give me a call …

1-888-244-4598, ask for ELLEN

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/ellen.html

I’m so excited!! My husband and I just got off the phone with the Prisoner’s Work Release Program.  Next Monday they are going to send us two or three of their minimum security inmates to finish a major landscaping project hubby started but of course isn’t man enough to finish by himself.   They actually asked us if we objected to inmates of a certain background or with a record of particular crimes.   I said “I don’t care.  Just remember.  The younger,  the blacker, the better.”   That almost got us disqualified, hubby had to do some damage control at that point, but i was just too excited at the prospect.  I hope they send at least three hugely hung black studs for us.  We’ve kind of used up all the black studs we know locally.. but horny prison studs should be ripe for the picking, no???    I will be happy to wear my tightest, shortest skirt and bring them lemonade… and fresh towels to help them stay nice and dry in the sweaty heat out there.  And after a long days work of digging ditches and playing in the dirty, I can imagine at least a couple of them will be feeling a bit stiff and sore.  I’ll be on standby with the massage oils and no panties… Mmmmmmm…. Getting excited just thinking about working my hands over their big bulging dark-skinned muscles…  kneading my bony white fingers into all that young black stud flesh.  Feeling their big black tools grow and swell in my hands.. my mouth… my tight pink snatch… feel that young black cum flooding my old white box… HEAVEN!!    I will show those inmates what one bony white woman can do while they break their backs working for the White Man!

HELEN 1 888 298 3960

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/helen.html

I love all my boys … well, this past  weekend  I ‘adopted’ a new one.  This boy must have a swimming pool in his tummy because he is ALWAYS peeing.  He had a wet diaper that I had to change, and half-way through changing it, up shot another fountain of golden piss, shooting right up into my face!

I got a fresh diaper on him as quickly as I could, but as soon as this one was on, I saw his face turn beet red, and I knew he had soaked that diaper as well.  This time, though, I let him stay in those wet diapers before cleaning him up and changing him.

Sunny

1-888-296-6953  

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/sunny.html

UGH!  I AM SO DISGUSTED BY MY SON!!!

Took a little weekend trip to visit my oldest son and check up on him.  Now that his bitch wife has left him alone at the trailer with a moutain of credit card debt, he’s been depressed and needing his mommy to cheer him up sometimes.  But the boy lives in SQUALOR.  Absolute filth.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  It’s just gotten worse and worse as the weeks have gone by.   But last week’s visit took the cake.   There were open food containers everywhere, old moldy tv dinners on the floor and around the couch, about 50 half empty beercans around the bed and jars of his PISS everywhere cuz he’s too lazy and depressed to get up to go to the bathroom these days.  But worst of all… he has a problem with mice and roaches now.  They are EVERYWHERE!!  You turn off the lights and you immediately hear gnawing and skittering sounds… EW EW EWW!  You turn the lights back on and its like a blip in the fucking matrix… dozens of little dark shadows disappear into the corners… you’re like did I really just see what I thought I saw??  No way…   but  out of the corner of your eye you cant help but you are being watched.

So I suit up in my cleaning the house clothes.. just some shorts and a tshirt I dont mind getting dirty… and a big bucket of pine sol and a sponge….   and start to cleaning up for my boy in his pig sty filth…  and I’m getting into it.  Down on my hands and knees on the hardwood floor scrubbing up what I’m sure was a big splotch of his JIZ all caked and dried underneath his computer table.. but man whatever… he’s a grown man and it’s a natural body function.  When all the sudden I feel my knee start to crunch on what I think are some old frito chips on the floor.  WRONG.   I move my knee to look and am disgusted to see that I had instead crushed a huge family of COCKROACHES underneath my fuckin knee!!  UGH!!   And worse than that… I had flipped over a temporary nest living beneath an overturned tupperware box of pasta…  A SWARM of baby roaches immediately start crawling up my leg and my thigh!!  LIke I’m being devoured by ants or someshit!!  It was insane… they were running up and down my body immediately.. under my clothes… up my shorts into my underwear… I started SCREAMING bloody murder and ripping my clothes off my body trying to get them off of me.  

But wait.. it gets worse.. as I’m stomping half naked and twirling and screeching  like a tasmanian devil with smashed up cockroaches on my knees… I feel something SOFT and yet crunchy underneath my left foot.. and the distinct feeling of something being flattened and destroyed under my weight.  A wet, soggy feeling all the sudden.  I look down…  AAAAAARGH I HAD JUST SMASHED A MOUSE!!!  IT WAS ALREADY DEAD IN THE MOUSETRAP AND I HAD SMASHED IT!!   GUTS AND GORE WERE EVERYWHERE!!  LIke I HAD just stomped on a mini bratwurst…  I saw little mouse bones I saw pink gooey mouse brains and BLOODY GOO mixing between my toes and smeared under my bare heel;.   I felt the squish and the slick… UGH UGH UGH……  Needless to say I was beside myself.  I don’t know what got into me but I must have looked a fright…standing in my underwear screaming my foot covered with smashed mouse goo…. smashed up roaches… roaring like a freaking banshee!!!   My son ran into the room screaming MOM whats going on????  All I could do was YELL… GODDAMMIT YOU ARE COMING TO LIVE WITH ME!!  IS THIS HOW YOU LIVE???  YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PIG!!  PACK YOUR THINGS RIGHT NOW!!!

And like a good little boy he’s back home with me now.  He just finished moving his things in today.  He has yet to get used to me taking phonesex calls… his eyes get all wide with horror everytime the phone rings…  but you know what??  That’s life!!  My boy is a good boy, I’m sure he will adjust.  And if he’s a really good boy he’ll learn how to help his Mommy out after she had to suffer thru the animal snuff film horror flick that was his trailer apartment!!  UGH UGH!  I’m still trying to come down from that one.  But I thought I should let everyone know what a sick little puppy I raised….    CAll me or something.  I need a distraction like you wouldnt believe ! 

OLGA 1 888 896 6205

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/olga.html

PUSSY SMOKING UPDATE!!  I finally got the cigarette to puff in my snatch!!!  It took forever, really had to work the Kegels, and I almost gave up after many tries. But I now have the pussy power to do exactly ONE full puff on the ciggy with my labia.  I feel like a schoolgirl again!  Now my goal is to be able to finish off a whole cig with my snatch alone… just to be able to say I can and I did!  Hubby is especially excited.. he loves filming my progress.. and he tells me that fucking me lately is like fucking me when I was 15 again… I had the tightest pussy he’d ever felt.  NOt that he had been with many girls before me.. but I remember I was able to squeeze him to orgasm within minutes all thru highschool, no matter how long he tried to last.  He has alot more stamina now… but hey, this pussy control is good exercise for both of us!!!   Pretty soon I’ll be  crushing coal to diamonds inside the old bat cave!!   Feels fucking fantastic when I cum too!   Anyway.. back to Kegels!!

HELEN 1 888 298 3960

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/helen.html

Sometimes even cops can take time out for a little playtime.

A few of you already know my tendency to drive a little fast.  Well, once again I got pulled over by one of those boys in blue for having a heavy foot.

I asked this young protector of the peace if there were any way he might allow me to pay my punishment immediately instead of getting yet another ticket on my record.   When he looked shocked like I was trying to bribe him, I decided to suggest the punishment.  I suggested he give me one spank per cheek for each mile an hour I was driving too fast.   He thought about it for … ohhh … about half a second, then chose to take me up on it.   He had me get out of the car and go to the front of the car where I put my hands on the hood.  He flipped my short skirt up onto my back, exposing my naked ass completely, then proceeded to spank my butt with the flat of his hand right there on the side of the road with cars whizzing by honking their horns.

For a bit there (about halfway through) I actually did wish I had been driving a BIT slower, but by the time I climbed back into my car and felt the burn of my red-hot ass on my leather seat a grin came to my face … I love THAT kind of law enforcement.

1-888-379-5442, ask for Foxy Roxy

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/roxy.html 

I went out shopping for a jogging outfit, and found this cute designer set of matching white jogging shorts and tee-top.

I bought them and headed home to put them on.   As usual, all I wore underneath was a sports bra … no panties to peek out from the bottom edges if they rode up a bit.  After getting dressed, I headed down to the local college to jog a few laps around their track … I like jogging there because there’s always some good eye-candy jocks practicing some sport or another in the infield.

Well, I hadn’t been jogging more than a couple minutes before I started getting a few jocks jogging next to me.  The more I jogged, the larger the crowd was jogging around me … I felt like the Pied Piper of Hamlin.

After I got done (it was so fun that I had jogged as long as I could), I sat back to relax a bit, and that’s when I noticed it … my new designer outfit, although white in the store, was almost completely see-through out in the sunlight.  OMG!

Well, I figured the damage was already done, so I chatted with a few in the crowd and collected a couple phone numbers before heading back home.  Yes, it was embarrassing at the time, but the more I thought about it, the hornier I got.  Thinking back on it now, I could sure use a phone call.

1-888-244-4598, ask for ELLEN

http://milfsandgranniesphonesex.com/ellen.html